Judgements, Preferences, Choices

I have always known that I am "different" at a young age of 6. I have also known since I was young that I am very sensitive. Judgement was a delicate aspect of life from my perspecitive ofthen I feared being judged and I feared to judge anyone. Whatever that emotions and thoughts I had at a younger age was probably my choice before I was born. Whether judgements, being sensitive, being different and being homosexual are all interrelated or not remains a mystery.

Is this being esoteric or bull shit?

I have always thought that Judgement was the judgement of the bad. I have always programmed that doing bad does not make you go to heaven. This teaching has always been fear based and this kind of programming did not do any good at all.

Identification of good is a judgement as well. In my opinion, the judging what is good is judging what is bad as well. For without the differences and contrasts, you can't differentiate what is black and white, day and night, dark and light and the list goes on. You cannot judge what is good when you dont know what is not bad.

I do not condone doing bad things especially criminally minded ones. The reality is life reality presents you with heaps of contrasts of the good and bad. In my opinon, both exists for a reason.

We fear judging people because truth hurts. But does the truth really set you free? I reckon judgements is only to be used in the aid of making a choice and having preferences. If kept yourself, you are in the okay side. However if you choose judgement only to hurt people, then I guess you are very much in trouble.

Sometimes, negative situations worked to my advantage. More than often it was an opportunity in disguise. More than often I stay relaxed when I encounter one and I have otugrown panic reactions when one comes.

Obama was once said..he does not gets too high when he is high and he does not go too low when he is low. I guess this is the best management of positivity and negativity in all aspects of life. That is, you take things one at a time and don't react violently or screem & jump over positive and joyful momements.

The gay culture is an odd example of judgements. Gay men hated so much to be judged and discriminated to an extent they go and fight their rights. However, within their circles there are sub-judgements. Examples of which I hear: cheap walking gay chopsticks (asians), black gay men, troubled closeted men. Labels, labels, labels wether good or bad is a judgement.

I am guilty of passing on judgements myself but fear it. But over the years, I have used judgements just to make my own choice or preferences.

Gay Snooty or Gay Masculinity

I have been told once to be open and allow all kinds of gay in my life. I listened and I did as I was told. However, It felt heavy to me in doing so. Lest, that I maybe misunderstood, I have no judgements against any kind of gays. I believe in my heart that I have preferences and I follow my gut feel as to where I wanna go.

I met several men from old gay men to effeminate men and not so effeminate men. The experiences were not at all pleasant in the sense that I am trying to force myself into it. I thought at first I was judging these people. I guess it is just that within my heart I was not comfortable.

The flamboyant nature of effeminate gays is fun to watch. But my experience meeting and making friends wasn't that really good. More than 6 months ago, I met someone who is 60% effeminate. He was a gay white man who loves to chat to South East Asian. While I thought that this was cool, we had conversations with him trying to find out evidences that I earn a lot of money. He knew that South East Asian countries are poor countries and trying to find out if I belong to the lower class. I mentioned that I come from a well-to-do family but I felt he wanted to dig more. Material wealth was always inserted in every conversation and at one stage I decided not to be friendly by just avoiding him.

My recent trip to North America was enough evidence that I am not the person whom he think I was, i.e. a poor Asian man who migrated to Australia. hough I am not into this ego-typical thoughts and conversations, I was asked why I can still sit in business lounge despite of having an economy class ticket. I told him that I have Qantas Club privileges of which I got from paying membership fees for two years. His ignorance of the Qantas Club prompted him ask him to show my card. His was just a Qantas Frequent Flyer Club card whilst mine was a Qantas Club one. I was polite and silent but did not like how the conversation went.

It was either he is trying to avoid South East Asian men who takes advantage of caucasians or he is looking down at Asians as not too good for them. Whatever it is, I don't like the way he made friends with me. What bothered me the most is the snooty and effeminate gay ways of asking those questions. It really turned me off.

Material wealth is good but friendship is gold. Judgements to make choices and not to say it out loud is good but Judgements that will hurt other people is not so good.

I mentioned awhile ago that flambouyant ways could be fun to watch. I think this is better reserved in comedy club bars and gay mardi gras . Some use the lisp snooty and bitchy persona as a defense to their own isecurities or justifications to their own judgements. Now I think I am judging as well but I am sure that there are gay men who are kind and the exact oposite of what I am describing.

Gay old men is another. I heard a story from a gay asian chatter about his complaints about caucasian gay men. He said: "These young gay caucasian men look down at Asians, and when they loose their touch and age, they chase Asian men." I just smiled and did not react. This could be a valid observation and I have seen it myself. Some (or a lot?) young white gay men spent their whole lives having fun and not searching for partners, and when they reach the age of 40 - life starts to begin with Asian hunting. I have experienced meeting old white gay men having the impression that I would be looking for their wallets. Hmmm. Wrong number, mate. LOL!

I have met a few who are decent who would not even discuss sex. In fairness!

Straight acting gay men have issues too. But these men have more compasion. Often are quiet. It seems like the saying "deep water is a lot quiter than a shallow water" hold true. They could be snooty at times but loud flambouyant nature could be deafening. So it is obvious that masculinity is my heart's preferences.

They may not be Superman, Mr. Perfect or Mr Muscled, but the way they conduct themselves is sexy and hot. I saw an American pilot on board an American Airlines flight. He had this not really ugly beer gut. I reckon he was cute! I thought he was straight guy, but his masculinity and the way he stood up was extra hot. (Maybe it was his uniform! LOL!)

The decision I guess to open to all types of gay men paid off...I know deep in my heart that I have a choice now.

My next blog would perhaps be my thoughts between the heart's preferences and the sensitive topic about judgements.