Holding The Man

I've met men in my life and never really progressed to a relationship. I think most of the men I have met have only guys who prefer just to have fun. When they do sex, it just sex - mechanical, clinical and no feelings at all.

The only feelings I guess that I know that they feel is the what they feel at the end of their member.

I notice that passionate kissing and touching is not their cup of tea. I feel that they are too afraid that the sex will just go to higher level - fear of intamacy, committment? What are these gays thinking? I wonder.

I could not remember where I really had an intimate sensual time with someone. Maybe there isn't one and I am still waiting for the time for that guy to come into my life. When I offer dates to gays, you could see in their body language that they don't want it. Sometimes, I think I am just too full-on to them and really being obvious that I am trying hard to be in a relationship. It could be true and I have started to become aware of this.

I have mentioned several times in my previous blog entries about my fascination about a man's eyes. When I make love with someone, I always look at the eyes and communicate silently as I kiss. I close my eyes and still see the guys eyes? Over the years, though I just close them right away knowing that the guy is just looking for fun. Sad? I am not giving up.

Whilst I wait for my man, I play to get some release or maybe to see what is the opportunity there. (What really are my choices?) More than often these days, I John Palmer is my friend. But whenever I get the chance to be with a man, I try to be sensual, passionate with sex.

Even it is pretend "make love", I really love the feeling of a sensual kiss. Feeling the other guys "total being" is what I seek. Two bodies touching each other is universal explosion, no kinky-ness but I guess a different kind of love. Do I get what I trying to discuss in this journal? Yes and No. Yes because I try to and No becuase it is just pretend "make love." I know that these guys will just leave.

My latest experience was a 4 hour sex with someone. He did want me to release because I will just go quickly. He wanted to savour the kisses and touches. Amazing really except for one thing....he gave his name and left right away. He said I was cool and was calling me babe all the time. What was that all about.

So with the things I am recounting, will I realy be able to "hold my man." Does falling in love really exists in the homosexual world. Does all the judgements and views from people about gays affected how we gays really operate?

I am aware of what I like with my man. My head on his chest. Smelling his hair/head. Sensual touches and smooches...and talking....

Holding The Man

From the land of "Down Under" comes this true story about a male high school drama student who falls in love with the captain of the football team. Winner of the United Nations Human Rights Award for Nonfiction, HOLDING THE MAN has been adapted into a play opening in America in September 2007. The playwright who adapted the book for stage refers to this a a memoir of striking and unapologetic honesty.

Straight or Gay

Straight?

Since I began becoming aware of sexuality, it has been a frequent question in my mind if the next guy I pass by, meet or encounter is gay or straight. It is the most tiring thought process which not only involves the mind but the emotion as well.

Funny it may sound, I started learning about gay to gay relationships, whether it is only sexual or in a partnership, after the birth of internet chatting. Saying that, it is pretty obvious that I fancy straight acting men or straight men.

Gay white men don't believe me when I say that straight men do have sex with gay men in my home country. Some of the them do have sex with co-straight men as well. But it is true but it only happens in their lives once.

Those who have their head up and heart very balanced, don't regret doing it and knew it was just for sexual experimentation. Those straight men who regret having sex with the same sex are mostly in the question. Regardless, at some point both types of straight men had at one stage judged themselves. The one who survives end up really straight but technically speaking they just had homosexual activity which make themseleves bi-sexual to most label lovers.

Judgements and labels is the greatest pain that existed but as I mentioned in my previous blog entries, when used to hurt people is painful. When the receiver of the judgement does not know how to manage his mind and heart gets fucked up.

I have met plenty of married men who are bonafied gays. I learned more to find out the circumstances of thes men who come from the western world. I am sure that in my home country there are more but because ofstrict patriarchal structure of the society, you figuratively speaking get stoned to death. I do admire these gay men who get married and I find them the toughest in managing their heart and mind. Playing two roles, gay and straight, is not an easy job.

I have to admit I tend to gravitate to men who were formerly married or is married. Recently it hasn't been happening because I choose not to primarily coz I am really looking for the relationship I wanted. It is, I guess, their masculinity that I get attracted to which I could not find in gay bars, pubs or other joints.

These men actually look for platonic love on top of the sexual encounters. When they release after an man to man intercourse, the feeling of ecstacy is combined with frustration. They think and wish of freedom. Some do end just to look for fun but most of the guys I know really seek having their heads on their man's shoulders.

The man goes home to his female partner, wife or whatever you may call the woman feeling guilty all the time after having sex with a man. Hiding is never easy. Some gay people say it is easy to come out and spit the judgements. But I say, they too are being judged for being flambouyant. So it comes around, ey?

What turns out from a straight guy having sex with a man is really up to that person. I guess forgiving yourself may help in the process of avoiding being a homosexuality or forgiveness of self may help maybe in the process of coming out. So everything is really relative and there is no quick, easy one source of solution. Is there?

Straight? Tree Stories of Unlikely Sexual Encounters Between Men

From The Publisher:
Among the surprising seductions detailed in this collection of over fifty accounts: a man initiates into gay sex his small town's biggest womanizer; a man drafted to entertain the groom-to-be during a bridal shower discovers just how open the upcoming marriage will be; a reporter interviewing a straight TV star (no names!) comes back with a titillating story; and an inexperienced college freshman finds that a straight-acting frat boy is both open-minded and open-mouthed.