Straight or Gay

Straight?

Since I began becoming aware of sexuality, it has been a frequent question in my mind if the next guy I pass by, meet or encounter is gay or straight. It is the most tiring thought process which not only involves the mind but the emotion as well.

Funny it may sound, I started learning about gay to gay relationships, whether it is only sexual or in a partnership, after the birth of internet chatting. Saying that, it is pretty obvious that I fancy straight acting men or straight men.

Gay white men don't believe me when I say that straight men do have sex with gay men in my home country. Some of the them do have sex with co-straight men as well. But it is true but it only happens in their lives once.

Those who have their head up and heart very balanced, don't regret doing it and knew it was just for sexual experimentation. Those straight men who regret having sex with the same sex are mostly in the question. Regardless, at some point both types of straight men had at one stage judged themselves. The one who survives end up really straight but technically speaking they just had homosexual activity which make themseleves bi-sexual to most label lovers.

Judgements and labels is the greatest pain that existed but as I mentioned in my previous blog entries, when used to hurt people is painful. When the receiver of the judgement does not know how to manage his mind and heart gets fucked up.

I have met plenty of married men who are bonafied gays. I learned more to find out the circumstances of thes men who come from the western world. I am sure that in my home country there are more but because ofstrict patriarchal structure of the society, you figuratively speaking get stoned to death. I do admire these gay men who get married and I find them the toughest in managing their heart and mind. Playing two roles, gay and straight, is not an easy job.

I have to admit I tend to gravitate to men who were formerly married or is married. Recently it hasn't been happening because I choose not to primarily coz I am really looking for the relationship I wanted. It is, I guess, their masculinity that I get attracted to which I could not find in gay bars, pubs or other joints.

These men actually look for platonic love on top of the sexual encounters. When they release after an man to man intercourse, the feeling of ecstacy is combined with frustration. They think and wish of freedom. Some do end just to look for fun but most of the guys I know really seek having their heads on their man's shoulders.

The man goes home to his female partner, wife or whatever you may call the woman feeling guilty all the time after having sex with a man. Hiding is never easy. Some gay people say it is easy to come out and spit the judgements. But I say, they too are being judged for being flambouyant. So it comes around, ey?

What turns out from a straight guy having sex with a man is really up to that person. I guess forgiving yourself may help in the process of avoiding being a homosexuality or forgiveness of self may help maybe in the process of coming out. So everything is really relative and there is no quick, easy one source of solution. Is there?

Straight? Tree Stories of Unlikely Sexual Encounters Between Men

From The Publisher:
Among the surprising seductions detailed in this collection of over fifty accounts: a man initiates into gay sex his small town's biggest womanizer; a man drafted to entertain the groom-to-be during a bridal shower discovers just how open the upcoming marriage will be; a reporter interviewing a straight TV star (no names!) comes back with a titillating story; and an inexperienced college freshman finds that a straight-acting frat boy is both open-minded and open-mouthed.

Top Three: Australian Idol 2008 All Winners

Well the verdict is in Luke Dickens and Wes Carr will be next Sunday at Sydney Opera House. I reckon this is the best Australian Idol 2008. It felt though that the producers are feeling the pressure that this year may be a make or break year for this reality show. Well they have to thank for these top three men who landed the top three.

Opera House or not, I reckon Mark Spano will still have a future. Luke will likely be second and Wes the winner. Now, to be clear, as for my masculinity touchdowns my idols would still be Mark Spano and Luke Dickens. First or seconds or third even - they are all winners!

Luke's transformation from the time he audition and ending up in the final two is fascinating. I refer to his style, personality and looks! LOL! I like his eyes really. Just look at his audition pic to the latest one:


Good luck Luke & Wes!

Message in a Bottle...17 Days, 10 Blog Entries

It has been 17 days since I wrote: The First Blog of a Discreet Gay. So far so good and it has been fun. I am finding a few people finding my site. Thanks to the blog pingging technology and google. SiteMeter.com is a big help too.

I smiled when someone from Switzerland searched "gay men are snooty" and found my Gay Snooty or Gay Masculinity blog the other day. It was probably a researcher who is trying to find out different behaviours.

I have only started and I am happy the way it is now. I have found that writing my thoughts in this way enables me to focus on my energies towards being true to my self (which is a current lie at the moment because of my discreetness) and searching true love.

No one has really commented to my blogs and for not it feels like I am doing a Message in a Bottle kind of thing. Someday and somehow I will find my true love. Whether it is here or elsewhere - is something to watch out.

Eye Candy of a Discreet Gay Guy

I have googled for a definition of Eye Candy but not one gave me a satisfying term that I could use here in my next blog. I guess I am going to use my own description (rather a definition) of the act of "Eye Candying."

When I usually go to a mall, side walk cafe or park where there are heaps of guys, I usually sit down for an hour and enjoy the sight of different sorts of men either passing by. Looking at their cute faces has always been a treat. Now that is Eye Candy.

What happens if the one doing the Eye Candy is discreet and afraid to be caught checking out guys. That is me that I am referring to I think? lol.

When I was young checking out guys is something that I fear doing. I hardly can do this when I was still working and living in my orginal South East Asian country. A guy who stare back could be a gay/bi himself or a scouting call boy who are looking for customers which I find it absurd.

Now that I am in the so-called free world Australia, I have more freedom to do what I want to do. With no family relos (relatives) to judge me, I could go to a mall and just do my "Eye Candy" thing.

I thought at first that it was easy to do, but I am finding that I still carry in me that fear of being caught. Aussies young and not so old are really fun to watch but there is only a few seconds to really look at them.

Physical attractiveness in these guys are good. I know I have fetishes or wants in a man (apart from being masculine, short hair, nice arms). But I am finding these qualities are secondary and when I look at the eyes of these guys - either (wether gay or not) they are empty.

I can only sigh and just imagine of touching the guy passing by. Question do pass-by my mind: "When will I stop eye candying and finally meet my life time partner and best friend?"

Sensuality in Pornography

I have to admit that I have a naughty side. Some tell me that I am decent naughty boy.

I do not hide the fact that I watch homosexual pornographic movies. Call me odd but most pornographic movies are boring and at one occassion in Sydney, I asked for a porn like movie with a story line. Believe me, I had the weirdest look when I asked the store person about what I am looking for.

I honestly get bored easily with kinky and dirty pornography and I would rather choose a sexual scene with a lot of kissing, touching or sensual play. I guess this is my inate nature seeking passionate and sensual making love with someone.

I give kudos to Corbin Fisher's Amatuer College Men for coming up with a site of men having sex with men but with a twist. What is the twist then? It is the sensuality of the scenes that I appreciate very much like with this site. The kissing and touching are very sensual and 99% near real. The foreplays are great and the fact that most of the actors are (were) straight men is intruiging.

Most of the men are very straight acting so it is believable that they are really straight men. In a news article in Time Magazine tells the readers that there is a new label are now being identified to men who have sex men but who are not gays or bisexual and that is MSM. That new abbrev means Men having Sex with Men. Some gay quarters, with their snooty attitude, would just say "whateeever!" but I won't pass on any judgement because I have never been in their shoes. Anyways...the actors in Corbin Fisher's site have been recruited as mostly straight boys. Some usually start with a solo shot and later on learns the ropes of kissing, touching and having sex with the same sex.

The site has an counter part sub-site which features the same men having sex with the female gender. The Bi-Tag team has increasingly been marked as favourites. I like this idea in the sense that it wards off any doubts about this men. It is okay to say they needed money in order to do the MSM thing. But over the years, I would say these regular men who are featured in the site were nervous at the start but have enjoyed doing MSM stuff as they do more scenes with a guy.

I don't know these guys personally but I would say I have very good impressions about them. Derek is one of my favourites. A guy with a girlfriend who did heaps of MSM scenes. The girlfriend know what he does and is probably cool with it. I think he did a scene already with his girlfriend. Notably I find him a kind natured masculine guy. In every scene, he is always in the moment especially during foreplay. Sensuality Score: 100.


Another one is Dawson. This Mr. Smiley face is a kind hearted soul, I reckon. His smile is a bit cheeky but I sense he is really a nice bloke. Now, now, these are just impressions that I am telling ya. In several occassions, he always asks his bed scene partner what their straight/homosexual scale is. I am not clear what his is but regardless, I don't sense any gayness at all. Sensuality score is also 100.

Brent (left in the picture) for me will receive a sensuality of 150 out of 100. I like the way he holds on to his bed scene lover during foreplay, during copulation, and after the sex. Often I see him place his head on top of the chest or back of his guy partner and hold them firmly. For a very blokey guy, he is cool and looks like he does not have any attitude at all. You will see what I mean when you see him do an MSM with Cody.

Cody (right one in the picture) is another bloke I like. I would rather give him the Cudly score of 100 rather than a sensuality score. His masculinity is tops but you see the kind softness in his eyes. Definitely no straight guy attitude. He is a bit stiff for sensuality but cuddly enough. Maybe that is why Cody held him tightly at one stage. Hehe.

I have this thing for American guys. Their eyes tell you more when you look at them. It is a difference which I noticed in comparison to Australian guys. American guy's eyes are more open and twinkly than Aussies.

I could only dream to date one of them. Oh well.

Anyway...try their site now and see for yourself what I am talking about. It is a good site for those who do not want to be totally dirty. It is for those who just want to imagine that they are being touched with passion, compassion and sensuality even if it was just imagination.

Change, 4 Seasons in One Day

I woke up this morning with a sense of change ahead of the day. It's the 5th of November 2008 in Melbourne and likely afternoon, 4th of November 2008 in the East Coast of America - Election Day. The temperature was cold this morning and as they went on the mercury went up. I thought the 4 seasons in one day that everyone has been telling me was a joke. Well it isn't.

The change in temperature meant also there is this breeze of change going on. I received a text message mid day from a friend telling me that Obama was winning. At 4:00 in the afternoon, another message, my friend telling me that he is very teary watching Obama giving his acceptance speech. Change has come to America and change will likely to happen the rest of the world.

He highlighted gays and asians in speech saying that him being elected is:

"... the answer spoken by young and old, rich and poor, Democrat and Republican,
black, white, Hispanic, Asian, Native American, gay, straight, disabled and not
disabled. Americans who sent a message to the world that we have never been just
a collection of individuals or a collection of red states and blue states."

I reckon Obama will be a symbol that telling everybody that being different in colour, race or creed does not matter. Whilst it has mentioned several times by many that USA has still racial divisions and scars of the past especially amongst African Americans needs to be healed, I don't see that much when I am in the United States because it seemed to me, everyone is relaxed there about different colours and race.

A number of Australians pride themselves of cultural diversity but I reckon the country is still a young country to be like USA where black or white is not really a big problem. (This is still subject to debate of course). I could give Australia a go, in fairness. But there are still some quarters in society within Australia of racial friction. I hope this will change and I hope Obama's win is a welcome wave.

Now, the word gay was mentioned in Obama's speech. I heard that the Democrats will introduce equal rights to gays and lesbians. I don't know how acurate but it feels like it. What worries me really is within the gay and lesbain community, there is also discrimination amongst themselves. Another change to tackle? I guess, I won't make this too significant for me. No President or Pope can change the whole world perfectly. Life is about contrasting colours, ideas, thoughts. It is like the weather, the contrasting temperatures and characteristics in each season(i.e. Winter, Spring, Summer & Fall) tells us a hidden truth (rather than a mystery). There is a reason for all these to exist.

The reasons are showing up now. Change.

Saturday Night Fever - My Gay Bar Adventure

It is interesting how I have different experiences whenever I decide to go out gay bar/pub-hopping. In the past 7 years, I have spent most of the time in Australia & New Zealand & a few occassions in the United States. And, I have only pleasant memories in bars & night clubs in the United States.


Going to gay bars and night clubs is not a usual weekend routine for me. I learned to go to these places only here in Australia. This is when I decided to slowly come out in the open and expose myself "what is out there". Well last night I decided to go to Melbourne's gay spots.


I went first to the Opium Den, where it is known for Asian gays hanging out. I did not stay more than 5 minutes. Oddly enough, there weren't that much people inside and most of the people there were Lesbians. I would have thought that it will be busy because it is the Melbourne Cup long weekend. I decided to go The Peel Hotel. (No, it is not the hotel that you are thinking. These common in Australia where old hotels are turned into pubs or night clubs. The owners retain the name of the the hotel.).


When I got in, I have seen the usual Australian gay pub/bar scene - very loud music, gay bar tenders who never seem to cut the habit of raising their eyebrows, & of course the gay men and lesbians. There is not much of an eye candy last night and saw only a few guys that I really like looking at (masculine caucasian men). The night is not complete without an mature gay man approaching me and sure enough someone did. LOL! (I may have to write about them in my next blog. I have nothing against them honestly but lately I made a conscious choice to look for men around my age.). It seems like I am not invisible to these mature men. .


The asian gay men mostly flock together and seldom see Gay White Men hanging out with them except only when I see a silver haired man tailing them. I just smiled. My purpose in going there was not to get laid; but I was hoping I would be able to meet someone special there to talk or ask later for a date (wishful thinking). Unfortunately I did not meet anyone. I guess I am too shy to approach someone or it is really hard going alone to a gay pub. My experience in New Zealand is pretty much the same.


It is not really fun going to a pub regardless whether I am alone or be with a friend. It is loud & noisy and probably the only only thing that gay men would like to do in a pub second to dancing is to get laid.



My United States gay bar experiences were uniquely different and I could not emphasize it more - pleasant. I always see bars with African Americans, Latinos, Asians and Caucasian Americans all interacting with each other.


The GYM Sports Bar in Manhattan is so far the nicest one that I went to in the United States. The concept of the bar being sports bar is very cool. There are different sorts of gay men who go there but mostly are masculine types. I have seen 1 or 2 women who probably be the partners of the straight bar tenders there. Yes, that is right. The owners hire straight bar tenders. So you dont get to see eyebrow raising and you would be motivated to tip. Did I mention they serve customers without their shirts on?


I was just in Manhattan last month! I hanged around the Locker Room Bar downstairs and sat at the bar looking at the cute bar tender. Also, a friendly looking guy who looks like Hugh Grant intiated a conversation with me and it was great. He was acting like the funny Hugh Grant though. LOL! Another bloke from Maine approached me and tried to convince me to take him to my hotel room. LOL. I declined. (He was on a rebound having recently breaking up with his now ex-partner. ) It did not matter to me whether I brought someone back to my hotel or not. Overall, I enjoyed my time.


It is a bit ironic that I chose Australia because it is a nice place to live in compared to the United States. It is that gay thing bit that I am having trouble making it work. I don't totally blame the gay men here or the Aussies in generally. Come to think of it - there is something in me that needs changing. I'll figure it out - I know I will.

The First Lost Blog of a Discreet Gay.

Welcome to the first Lost Blog of a discreet homosexual.

I have always spoken to people about life being a joke. And cruising along the duality of life, i.e. the positive and negative that exists should not be taken seriously. But until now, though a lot of gay men would just laugh, I still could not comprehend why gay and lesbians exists and the fact that I am one of them, should I take this seriously.

I have always found gay life as the most difficult thing that ever existed in me since I was born. To make matters worse I come from a hard line patriarchal asian society, where sons are expected to become a husbands and fathers. Added to this, a christian upbringing where everyone is told that it is alright to be gay but gay sex is not allowed.

At a very early stage, I knew I am a homosexual. I felt I am different from all the boy kids. How did I know? I wish I have the answers but I just know. I am happy that I am not one of those sterotype gay men and have been discreet in how I conduct myself. But as any discreet gay would say, the downside of this is - the difficulty of hiding.

I am no angel. I am no gay saint, if this really exists. I am a good person and at the same time could be naughty too. But one thing is for sure, in my journey in this life, I still feel I am trying to fit in.

Where is my path now? I am already 40 and I have questions running in my head? Where is this homosexuality going? Should I stay discreet? And the most important question of all is where do I find true and honest love. Thus, here I am writing the Lost Blog of a Discreet Gay in the hopes that these questions be answered.

The internet is like an ocean and I consider this blog as a message in a bottle. Here is hoping that someone finds this blog and understand really where I am coming from.

So wish me luck.