Holding The Man

I've met men in my life and never really progressed to a relationship. I think most of the men I have met have only guys who prefer just to have fun. When they do sex, it just sex - mechanical, clinical and no feelings at all.

The only feelings I guess that I know that they feel is the what they feel at the end of their member.

I notice that passionate kissing and touching is not their cup of tea. I feel that they are too afraid that the sex will just go to higher level - fear of intamacy, committment? What are these gays thinking? I wonder.

I could not remember where I really had an intimate sensual time with someone. Maybe there isn't one and I am still waiting for the time for that guy to come into my life. When I offer dates to gays, you could see in their body language that they don't want it. Sometimes, I think I am just too full-on to them and really being obvious that I am trying hard to be in a relationship. It could be true and I have started to become aware of this.

I have mentioned several times in my previous blog entries about my fascination about a man's eyes. When I make love with someone, I always look at the eyes and communicate silently as I kiss. I close my eyes and still see the guys eyes? Over the years, though I just close them right away knowing that the guy is just looking for fun. Sad? I am not giving up.

Whilst I wait for my man, I play to get some release or maybe to see what is the opportunity there. (What really are my choices?) More than often these days, I John Palmer is my friend. But whenever I get the chance to be with a man, I try to be sensual, passionate with sex.

Even it is pretend "make love", I really love the feeling of a sensual kiss. Feeling the other guys "total being" is what I seek. Two bodies touching each other is universal explosion, no kinky-ness but I guess a different kind of love. Do I get what I trying to discuss in this journal? Yes and No. Yes because I try to and No becuase it is just pretend "make love." I know that these guys will just leave.

My latest experience was a 4 hour sex with someone. He did want me to release because I will just go quickly. He wanted to savour the kisses and touches. Amazing really except for one thing....he gave his name and left right away. He said I was cool and was calling me babe all the time. What was that all about.

So with the things I am recounting, will I realy be able to "hold my man." Does falling in love really exists in the homosexual world. Does all the judgements and views from people about gays affected how we gays really operate?

I am aware of what I like with my man. My head on his chest. Smelling his hair/head. Sensual touches and smooches...and talking....

Holding The Man

From the land of "Down Under" comes this true story about a male high school drama student who falls in love with the captain of the football team. Winner of the United Nations Human Rights Award for Nonfiction, HOLDING THE MAN has been adapted into a play opening in America in September 2007. The playwright who adapted the book for stage refers to this a a memoir of striking and unapologetic honesty.

Message in a Bottle...17 Days, 10 Blog Entries

It has been 17 days since I wrote: The First Blog of a Discreet Gay. So far so good and it has been fun. I am finding a few people finding my site. Thanks to the blog pingging technology and google. SiteMeter.com is a big help too.

I smiled when someone from Switzerland searched "gay men are snooty" and found my Gay Snooty or Gay Masculinity blog the other day. It was probably a researcher who is trying to find out different behaviours.

I have only started and I am happy the way it is now. I have found that writing my thoughts in this way enables me to focus on my energies towards being true to my self (which is a current lie at the moment because of my discreetness) and searching true love.

No one has really commented to my blogs and for not it feels like I am doing a Message in a Bottle kind of thing. Someday and somehow I will find my true love. Whether it is here or elsewhere - is something to watch out.

Eye Candy of a Discreet Gay Guy

I have googled for a definition of Eye Candy but not one gave me a satisfying term that I could use here in my next blog. I guess I am going to use my own description (rather a definition) of the act of "Eye Candying."

When I usually go to a mall, side walk cafe or park where there are heaps of guys, I usually sit down for an hour and enjoy the sight of different sorts of men either passing by. Looking at their cute faces has always been a treat. Now that is Eye Candy.

What happens if the one doing the Eye Candy is discreet and afraid to be caught checking out guys. That is me that I am referring to I think? lol.

When I was young checking out guys is something that I fear doing. I hardly can do this when I was still working and living in my orginal South East Asian country. A guy who stare back could be a gay/bi himself or a scouting call boy who are looking for customers which I find it absurd.

Now that I am in the so-called free world Australia, I have more freedom to do what I want to do. With no family relos (relatives) to judge me, I could go to a mall and just do my "Eye Candy" thing.

I thought at first that it was easy to do, but I am finding that I still carry in me that fear of being caught. Aussies young and not so old are really fun to watch but there is only a few seconds to really look at them.

Physical attractiveness in these guys are good. I know I have fetishes or wants in a man (apart from being masculine, short hair, nice arms). But I am finding these qualities are secondary and when I look at the eyes of these guys - either (wether gay or not) they are empty.

I can only sigh and just imagine of touching the guy passing by. Question do pass-by my mind: "When will I stop eye candying and finally meet my life time partner and best friend?"