Sunday, November 30, 2008

Gay Internet Dating

If you are a discreet gay like me, do you ever get the feeling that you don't know where to go? I do.

It is Sunday afternoon. I woke up late but I am suppose to do some work from home. Unfortunately, my body is saying to rest and maybe play. Where do I go?

I am feeling lonely. I have the following options: go out to a mall and have an eye candy, go to Melbourne downtown look for a sauna and be sleezy or look for an online date to be either sleezy and become friends with an anoymous person.

It really feels like all the options sucks but anyone would say that the best one to choose is to go online and start to chat. Apparently I am here blogging.

The best gift that technological minds gave humanity is internet. It is the best place to be anonymous especially for a discreet gay person like me. Yes, it is fun especially when you score. But at the end of the day, are we all happy.

Is there such thing as Internet Dating amonst the gay community. There are websites such as or I feel that these sites are just glorified sex beats. Several sites was recommended to me and I was told there are serious gay men there. However, look at their profiles, Gay White Man looking for friendship, relationship, lifetime partner and the famous keyword on gay internet: "fun."

In case you would be interested here is a sample of what is happening from a main chat room:

wascally1:Guy in the west looking for some fun now, can host or travel
benz16:hi guys
coqseeqer:CBD lookin for fun
drekky:hey all
teejay81:anyone like a dirty chat pm me?
drekky:any fellas here interested in getting together tonight? pvt if your interested

Regardless what website I post my website, I think I tend to scare gay chatters with the profile I post. This is because of the deepness and seriousness of the description I write. When I say serious, I mean I write what my heart says. When asked what I am looking for, I state my prefrences and I avoid being discriminate. The only downside is I don't have a picture. Sigh. Well, I am discreet after all right? So what are my chances of getting a serious date. Honestly? I don't know.

I do get some replies from Internet chatters telling me that they liked my profile. One would think that is the start of a genuine internet dating however spend more time expanding the chat - it is always about sex. What is happening is that gay men fit their persona or internet personalities to what you write in your profile.

I had sexual encounters with men from the internet. But it always ends there - sex. Conversations wasn't the option even if I choose to. It is either this men are afraid of intimacy or they treat all gays who chat on the internet as sleazy. It boils down to judgements which eventually with the one judging the sexual partner judged himself as well.

I tell you when I meet my Mr. Right. I will be also telling my experience with him. There is no space for judgements as this is in the past and everyone goes through a process. I just wish Mr. Right finds this lost blog or finds me physically in the flesh.

Oh well. Sunday. Afternoon. Where do I go. Do I log-in or drive out?

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Finding Mr. Right

Have you ever thought growing old without really having someone in your life whom you would call your "best friend and partner"? For gay men, discreet or out, is ther really a Mr. Right Out There.

Have you every caught yourself in a situation where you are just trying to be nice to a gay man whom you did have sex with? Does having sex with another gay man really mean that you like the guy whom you just met?

Since the young age of 5, I knew I was different from the rest. I have been often asked how could you be sexual at a young age and know that you are homosexual. These questions come from a logical mind. When you know that you know, you really know what is in your heart and mind. Believe it or not, I have always sought what it is the true meaning of love and I have always felt something brewing in my chest.

I come from a very strict upbringing that made me afraid of my feelings. The patriarchal style of family discipline has raised me to become discreet and straight acting. Love during my kid age was reward and punishment for doing what is right and what is wrong. Love was not really something there when I was kid because I always sought refuge for an inner feeling.

When I was growing up, I was more and more aware of my physical attraction to boys. It was one side of me that it is puzzling because I knew one side of me is finding love and another side of me was that funny feeling that I am attracted to boys which is wrong in the perspective of my so called straight teachers and parents.

The worse scenario was the greatest fear, which is opposite of love. When my teachers outed the flamboyant gays in school to their parents, more fear settled in and I was more confused. It is wrong, it is wrong. At a scout's camp at school, a classmate of mind removed his shirt off and after seeing that I really had enourmous warm feeling in my chest which I could not comprehend. I ran.

I have learned that physical attraction and love is inter-related. But how? During the time, I did not have the answers. Fear was covering my awareness. When boys at school discuss about curiousity of girls, I obviously shy away. Fear and seeking love - two opposite thought and feelings. It existed - for what reason? Until this day, I don't know despite of the fact that in other parts of my life I knew what the poloarities of good and bad & positive and negative are for. Are they same with discreet gays like me?

High School was more intense. Hormones could something that one can feel invisibly. True? For me it was my experience. Hiding my attraction towards boy made me the discreet gay on some levels maybe. But I am glad I managed it but there had been really moments that I just wanna break out. But the longing for love is there. The feeling between the groins and the feeling of touch.

For some teenagers wether heterosexual or homosexual, one's first gay experience is an experimentation. Mine wasn't and I have learned during that time that my first gay sex experience led to someone really caring that it was so intense that we have to break up. The other party wasn't really sure if he is homosexual. So is this love in there?

At some stage, I have forgotten really to love my self. The complications of being gay and having to deal with family led to forget my self. I have always fear that to find Mr. Right I have to find Mr. Right in me and loving myself. But in fairness, I have grown mature as everone liking me at work or elsewhere. For without these people really liking me, how could I not really love myself. It is is just discreet gay life is something always new but yet it is actually old ongoing stuff for me. It sounds paradoxial but it is just really is.

I have been caught up sometimes in a situation where a man who likes me but I don't have any feelings at all. Sex was there but I guess I let go of my capacity to make a choice. Hurting someone else's feelings is something that I really do but telling the truth and respecting myself is something that I forget to consider.

It maybe no ones fault in this gay world. It is common in first meeting that the assumption would always be sex even if one's genuine intention is to establish a network of quality friends. I have always found there is and will always sexual tension.

Dating is not a popular option to many gays. At least this is just my observation. But it could be true to a lot like me. The gays have abused the internet for their anonymity of their identity "and" their true feelings, genuine intentions & whole being as a person regardless of all labels identified to the gay world. This to an extent dating is not an option but quick sex was more convinient. The "getting to know you" bit deminished and I for one have always been on the look out for someone who lies about themselves. You just wonder where and will you meet the Mr. Right.

I am not interested in a guy's past but there is this bare minimum that I look for. No drugs and no excessive alcohol abuse. I guess there is a minimum standard when one looks for someone. But the main issue here is that in finding Mr. Right, watching lies and bull shit is a taxing emotional process. Now, I just keep quiet and move on.

I have been in an unusual intimate moments within a very odd set-up. That's right very odd. I found myself having sound and initimate conversations with men who don't choose to go all the way gay and who ends up gettting married. There is something unique in them that I found appealing. Nothing superficial, no judgements or whatsoever. Sad to say their choices are different. But what the heck, I had a good intimate time.

So, Is Mr. Right really out there? Finding him is just half of it. Maintaining the burning love is another.

Till my next message in the bottle....we will discuss that.

Mr. Right is Out There: The Gay Man's Guide to Finding and Maintaining LoveMr. Right is Out There: The Gay Man's Guide to Finding and Maintaining Love

Gay men learn how to take the first steps to meet men, form emotional and intimate bonds, and grapple with uniquely male issues they'll face as one half of a gay couple.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Holding The Man

I've met men in my life and never really progressed to a relationship. I think most of the men I have met have only guys who prefer just to have fun. When they do sex, it just sex - mechanical, clinical and no feelings at all.

The only feelings I guess that I know that they feel is the what they feel at the end of their member.

I notice that passionate kissing and touching is not their cup of tea. I feel that they are too afraid that the sex will just go to higher level - fear of intamacy, committment? What are these gays thinking? I wonder.

I could not remember where I really had an intimate sensual time with someone. Maybe there isn't one and I am still waiting for the time for that guy to come into my life. When I offer dates to gays, you could see in their body language that they don't want it. Sometimes, I think I am just too full-on to them and really being obvious that I am trying hard to be in a relationship. It could be true and I have started to become aware of this.

I have mentioned several times in my previous blog entries about my fascination about a man's eyes. When I make love with someone, I always look at the eyes and communicate silently as I kiss. I close my eyes and still see the guys eyes? Over the years, though I just close them right away knowing that the guy is just looking for fun. Sad? I am not giving up.

Whilst I wait for my man, I play to get some release or maybe to see what is the opportunity there. (What really are my choices?) More than often these days, I John Palmer is my friend. But whenever I get the chance to be with a man, I try to be sensual, passionate with sex.

Even it is pretend "make love", I really love the feeling of a sensual kiss. Feeling the other guys "total being" is what I seek. Two bodies touching each other is universal explosion, no kinky-ness but I guess a different kind of love. Do I get what I trying to discuss in this journal? Yes and No. Yes because I try to and No becuase it is just pretend "make love." I know that these guys will just leave.

My latest experience was a 4 hour sex with someone. He did want me to release because I will just go quickly. He wanted to savour the kisses and touches. Amazing really except for one thing....he gave his name and left right away. He said I was cool and was calling me babe all the time. What was that all about.

So with the things I am recounting, will I realy be able to "hold my man." Does falling in love really exists in the homosexual world. Does all the judgements and views from people about gays affected how we gays really operate?

I am aware of what I like with my man. My head on his chest. Smelling his hair/head. Sensual touches and smooches...and talking....

Holding The Man

From the land of "Down Under" comes this true story about a male high school drama student who falls in love with the captain of the football team. Winner of the United Nations Human Rights Award for Nonfiction, HOLDING THE MAN has been adapted into a play opening in America in September 2007. The playwright who adapted the book for stage refers to this a a memoir of striking and unapologetic honesty.