Thursday, November 27, 2008

Finding Mr. Right

Have you ever thought growing old without really having someone in your life whom you would call your "best friend and partner"? For gay men, discreet or out, is ther really a Mr. Right Out There.

Have you every caught yourself in a situation where you are just trying to be nice to a gay man whom you did have sex with? Does having sex with another gay man really mean that you like the guy whom you just met?

Since the young age of 5, I knew I was different from the rest. I have been often asked how could you be sexual at a young age and know that you are homosexual. These questions come from a logical mind. When you know that you know, you really know what is in your heart and mind. Believe it or not, I have always sought what it is the true meaning of love and I have always felt something brewing in my chest.

I come from a very strict upbringing that made me afraid of my feelings. The patriarchal style of family discipline has raised me to become discreet and straight acting. Love during my kid age was reward and punishment for doing what is right and what is wrong. Love was not really something there when I was kid because I always sought refuge for an inner feeling.

When I was growing up, I was more and more aware of my physical attraction to boys. It was one side of me that it is puzzling because I knew one side of me is finding love and another side of me was that funny feeling that I am attracted to boys which is wrong in the perspective of my so called straight teachers and parents.

The worse scenario was the greatest fear, which is opposite of love. When my teachers outed the flamboyant gays in school to their parents, more fear settled in and I was more confused. It is wrong, it is wrong. At a scout's camp at school, a classmate of mind removed his shirt off and after seeing that I really had enourmous warm feeling in my chest which I could not comprehend. I ran.

I have learned that physical attraction and love is inter-related. But how? During the time, I did not have the answers. Fear was covering my awareness. When boys at school discuss about curiousity of girls, I obviously shy away. Fear and seeking love - two opposite thought and feelings. It existed - for what reason? Until this day, I don't know despite of the fact that in other parts of my life I knew what the poloarities of good and bad & positive and negative are for. Are they same with discreet gays like me?

High School was more intense. Hormones could something that one can feel invisibly. True? For me it was my experience. Hiding my attraction towards boy made me the discreet gay on some levels maybe. But I am glad I managed it but there had been really moments that I just wanna break out. But the longing for love is there. The feeling between the groins and the feeling of touch.

For some teenagers wether heterosexual or homosexual, one's first gay experience is an experimentation. Mine wasn't and I have learned during that time that my first gay sex experience led to someone really caring that it was so intense that we have to break up. The other party wasn't really sure if he is homosexual. So is this love in there?

At some stage, I have forgotten really to love my self. The complications of being gay and having to deal with family led to forget my self. I have always fear that to find Mr. Right I have to find Mr. Right in me and loving myself. But in fairness, I have grown mature as everone liking me at work or elsewhere. For without these people really liking me, how could I not really love myself. It is is just discreet gay life is something always new but yet it is actually old ongoing stuff for me. It sounds paradoxial but it is just really is.

I have been caught up sometimes in a situation where a man who likes me but I don't have any feelings at all. Sex was there but I guess I let go of my capacity to make a choice. Hurting someone else's feelings is something that I really do but telling the truth and respecting myself is something that I forget to consider.

It maybe no ones fault in this gay world. It is common in first meeting that the assumption would always be sex even if one's genuine intention is to establish a network of quality friends. I have always found there is and will always sexual tension.

Dating is not a popular option to many gays. At least this is just my observation. But it could be true to a lot like me. The gays have abused the internet for their anonymity of their identity "and" their true feelings, genuine intentions & whole being as a person regardless of all labels identified to the gay world. This to an extent dating is not an option but quick sex was more convinient. The "getting to know you" bit deminished and I for one have always been on the look out for someone who lies about themselves. You just wonder where and will you meet the Mr. Right.

I am not interested in a guy's past but there is this bare minimum that I look for. No drugs and no excessive alcohol abuse. I guess there is a minimum standard when one looks for someone. But the main issue here is that in finding Mr. Right, watching lies and bull shit is a taxing emotional process. Now, I just keep quiet and move on.

I have been in an unusual intimate moments within a very odd set-up. That's right very odd. I found myself having sound and initimate conversations with men who don't choose to go all the way gay and who ends up gettting married. There is something unique in them that I found appealing. Nothing superficial, no judgements or whatsoever. Sad to say their choices are different. But what the heck, I had a good intimate time.

So, Is Mr. Right really out there? Finding him is just half of it. Maintaining the burning love is another.

Till my next message in the bottle....we will discuss that.


Mr. Right is Out There: The Gay Man's Guide to Finding and Maintaining LoveMr. Right is Out There: The Gay Man's Guide to Finding and Maintaining Love

Gay men learn how to take the first steps to meet men, form emotional and intimate bonds, and grapple with uniquely male issues they'll face as one half of a gay couple.

No comments: