Sunday, November 30, 2008
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Have you every caught yourself in a situation where you are just trying to be nice to a gay man whom you did have sex with? Does having sex with another gay man really mean that you like the guy whom you just met?
Since the young age of 5, I knew I was different from the rest. I have been often asked how could you be sexual at a young age and know that you are homosexual. These questions come from a logical mind. When you know that you know, you really know what is in your heart and mind. Believe it or not, I have always sought what it is the true meaning of love and I have always felt something brewing in my chest.
I come from a very strict upbringing that made me afraid of my feelings. The patriarchal style of family discipline has raised me to become discreet and straight acting. Love during my kid age was reward and punishment for doing what is right and what is wrong. Love was not really something there when I was kid because I always sought refuge for an inner feeling.
When I was growing up, I was more and more aware of my physical attraction to boys. It was one side of me that it is puzzling because I knew one side of me is finding love and another side of me was that funny feeling that I am attracted to boys which is wrong in the perspective of my so called straight teachers and parents.
The worse scenario was the greatest fear, which is opposite of love. When my teachers outed the flamboyant gays in school to their parents, more fear settled in and I was more confused. It is wrong, it is wrong. At a scout's camp at school, a classmate of mind removed his shirt off and after seeing that I really had enourmous warm feeling in my chest which I could not comprehend. I ran.
I have learned that physical attraction and love is inter-related. But how? During the time, I did not have the answers. Fear was covering my awareness. When boys at school discuss about curiousity of girls, I obviously shy away. Fear and seeking love - two opposite thought and feelings. It existed - for what reason? Until this day, I don't know despite of the fact that in other parts of my life I knew what the poloarities of good and bad & positive and negative are for. Are they same with discreet gays like me?
High School was more intense. Hormones could something that one can feel invisibly. True? For me it was my experience. Hiding my attraction towards boy made me the discreet gay on some levels maybe. But I am glad I managed it but there had been really moments that I just wanna break out. But the longing for love is there. The feeling between the groins and the feeling of touch.
For some teenagers wether heterosexual or homosexual, one's first gay experience is an experimentation. Mine wasn't and I have learned during that time that my first gay sex experience led to someone really caring that it was so intense that we have to break up. The other party wasn't really sure if he is homosexual. So is this love in there?
At some stage, I have forgotten really to love my self. The complications of being gay and having to deal with family led to forget my self. I have always fear that to find Mr. Right I have to find Mr. Right in me and loving myself. But in fairness, I have grown mature as everone liking me at work or elsewhere. For without these people really liking me, how could I not really love myself. It is is just discreet gay life is something always new but yet it is actually old ongoing stuff for me. It sounds paradoxial but it is just really is.
I have been caught up sometimes in a situation where a man who likes me but I don't have any feelings at all. Sex was there but I guess I let go of my capacity to make a choice. Hurting someone else's feelings is something that I really do but telling the truth and respecting myself is something that I forget to consider.
It maybe no ones fault in this gay world. It is common in first meeting that the assumption would always be sex even if one's genuine intention is to establish a network of quality friends. I have always found there is and will always sexual tension.
Dating is not a popular option to many gays. At least this is just my observation. But it could be true to a lot like me. The gays have abused the internet for their anonymity of their identity "and" their true feelings, genuine intentions & whole being as a person regardless of all labels identified to the gay world. This to an extent dating is not an option but quick sex was more convinient. The "getting to know you" bit deminished and I for one have always been on the look out for someone who lies about themselves. You just wonder where and will you meet the Mr. Right.
I am not interested in a guy's past but there is this bare minimum that I look for. No drugs and no excessive alcohol abuse. I guess there is a minimum standard when one looks for someone. But the main issue here is that in finding Mr. Right, watching lies and bull shit is a taxing emotional process. Now, I just keep quiet and move on.
I have been in an unusual intimate moments within a very odd set-up. That's right very odd. I found myself having sound and initimate conversations with men who don't choose to go all the way gay and who ends up gettting married. There is something unique in them that I found appealing. Nothing superficial, no judgements or whatsoever. Sad to say their choices are different. But what the heck, I had a good intimate time.
So, Is Mr. Right really out there? Finding him is just half of it. Maintaining the burning love is another.
Till my next message in the bottle....we will discuss that.
Mr. Right is Out There: The Gay Man's Guide to Finding and Maintaining Love
Gay men learn how to take the first steps to meet men, form emotional and intimate bonds, and grapple with uniquely male issues they'll face as one half of a gay couple.
Monday, November 24, 2008
The only feelings I guess that I know that they feel is the what they feel at the end of their member.
I notice that passionate kissing and touching is not their cup of tea. I feel that they are too afraid that the sex will just go to higher level - fear of intamacy, committment? What are these gays thinking? I wonder.
I could not remember where I really had an intimate sensual time with someone. Maybe there isn't one and I am still waiting for the time for that guy to come into my life. When I offer dates to gays, you could see in their body language that they don't want it. Sometimes, I think I am just too full-on to them and really being obvious that I am trying hard to be in a relationship. It could be true and I have started to become aware of this.
I have mentioned several times in my previous blog entries about my fascination about a man's eyes. When I make love with someone, I always look at the eyes and communicate silently as I kiss. I close my eyes and still see the guys eyes? Over the years, though I just close them right away knowing that the guy is just looking for fun. Sad? I am not giving up.
Whilst I wait for my man, I play to get some release or maybe to see what is the opportunity there. (What really are my choices?) More than often these days, I John Palmer is my friend. But whenever I get the chance to be with a man, I try to be sensual, passionate with sex.
Even it is pretend "make love", I really love the feeling of a sensual kiss. Feeling the other guys "total being" is what I seek. Two bodies touching each other is universal explosion, no kinky-ness but I guess a different kind of love. Do I get what I trying to discuss in this journal? Yes and No. Yes because I try to and No becuase it is just pretend "make love." I know that these guys will just leave.
My latest experience was a 4 hour sex with someone. He did want me to release because I will just go quickly. He wanted to savour the kisses and touches. Amazing really except for one thing....he gave his name and left right away. He said I was cool and was calling me babe all the time. What was that all about.
So with the things I am recounting, will I realy be able to "hold my man." Does falling in love really exists in the homosexual world. Does all the judgements and views from people about gays affected how we gays really operate?
I am aware of what I like with my man. My head on his chest. Smelling his hair/head. Sensual touches and smooches...and talking....
Holding The Man
From the land of "Down Under" comes this true story about a male high school drama student who falls in love with the captain of the football team. Winner of the United Nations Human Rights Award for Nonfiction, HOLDING THE MAN has been adapted into a play opening in America in September 2007. The playwright who adapted the book for stage refers to this a a memoir of striking and unapologetic honesty.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Now, now....I have to admit Wes Car is really good. He needed the break. Congratulations. He had experience in the past and Australian Idol was his vechicle to get a break. I feel though that he knew he is going to win. I wish that he will make it good in the music industry and be consistent.
Friday, November 21, 2008
From The Publisher:
Among the surprising seductions detailed in this collection of over fifty accounts: a man initiates into gay sex his small town's biggest womanizer; a man drafted to entertain the groom-to-be during a bridal shower discovers just how open the upcoming marriage will be; a reporter interviewing a straight TV star (no names!) comes back with a titillating story; and an inexperienced college freshman finds that a straight-acting frat boy is both open-minded and open-mouthed.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Gays who are over 30 years old could mostly afford living alone in the city and those who are just starting either share a flat with a "flat" mate. Others regardless of age or how much they could afford would like be with a partner by now.
I guess what attracts most gays in the city centres is that they are near the "fun" places - Gay Saunas, Gay Pubs and the like. I am not sure of the probability of finding someone special there but it seems that younger guys want to stay mostly single and just be in the fun.
Gays avoid the suburbs because these places are more family "straight" oriented and the fact they are in this type of zones makes themselve very uncomfortable surrounded by the environment. Thus, the phrase gay friendly area sprouted where most gays or lesbians would associate to.
As not everybody would be accomodated by the city it is more than likely that these gays live in appartnemt units where it feels like a garden of asphalt or brick walls surrounding them.
I like particularly quiet suburban living. Though I am not really into gardening I like to have backyard of my own. I like a suburb which is not too far from the city but will still enjoy the suburburn style. I am not sure if most Discreet Gays live this way.
I am not quite sure why I choose the unpopular ways however I would say that this is me. The next question would be, Would I find love in this part of Melbourne?
Straight?: True Stories of Unlikely Sexual Encounters Between Men
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Opera House or not, I reckon Mark Spano will still have a future. Luke will likely be second and Wes the winner. Now, to be clear, as for my masculinity touchdowns my idols would still be Mark Spano and Luke Dickens. First or seconds or third even - they are all winners!
Luke's transformation from the time he audition and ending up in the final two is fascinating. I refer to his style, personality and looks! LOL! I like his eyes really. Just look at his audition pic to the latest one:
Good luck Luke & Wes!
Monday, November 17, 2008
Luke Dickens smooth moves yesterday was very cool when he sang Stuck in the Middle. I hope he and Mark Spano makes it to the Opera House. It seems pretty obvious that the judges and organisers are pushing Wes Car. He does not seem to be confident especially when he performed his first piece, Easy. You can feel a certain tension. But yeah, smooth moves by Luke.
The bad boy good bloke, Mark Spano, was very cheeky to give the audience sexy moves when he rendered Smooth. The first part of the song was a bit off but overall - Good Job.
Anyone who finds this blog, vote for the two. You can vote twice. (Funny I did not get an SMS confirmation hmmmm).
I smiled when someone from Switzerland searched "gay men are snooty" and found my Gay Snooty or Gay Masculinity blog the other day. It was probably a researcher who is trying to find out different behaviours.
I have only started and I am happy the way it is now. I have found that writing my thoughts in this way enables me to focus on my energies towards being true to my self (which is a current lie at the moment because of my discreetness) and searching true love.
No one has really commented to my blogs and for not it feels like I am doing a Message in a Bottle kind of thing. Someday and somehow I will find my true love. Whether it is here or elsewhere - is something to watch out.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Luke Dickens, the shearer, wasn't really my favorite in terms of looks. His voice and style of singing is very unique to him that is for sure. He would not make it to the top three if he is not that really good. What I really don't like about his looks was his funny looking beard. Now guys, my preferences are showing up. When his wife (yes, he is married) told everybody on national television that his beard has to go off, he obeyed and last Sunday he looked very fantastic. As you can see in his picture above, he looks handsome - nice smile, clean looking and most importantly - he does not have an empty eyes. I am glad he took it off.
I really like his version of With Arms Wide Open last Sunday. He looked like Justin Chambers of Grey's Anatomy. I hope ends up in the Final 2.
Teale Jekubenko is another favorite of mine. This humble blokey bloke has been voted always in the bottom three. And with the changes of the voting system, he performed more than anyone else on stage through out the whole competition. He was booted out unfortunately last Monday but if my memory serves me right, Chris Isaak will invite the one who will be left off on that night for his Australian tour. So I hope he keeps his promise.
Other than that this bloke reminds me of myself (well not the singing and looks part) more particularly that bit about his relationship with his Dad. My Dad rarely say "I Love you" to his sons and so is Teal's. (Well I hope what I heard and what I am writing is accurate. ) During early elimination rounds, his Dad said those three words. Touching.
I like the masculinity of this bloke, great smile and more importantly his eyes are not empty. His eyes shows that he is deep, sensitive and caring. I hope my analysis is true.
And now, on to my number 1 favorite:
Mark Spano. This Melbourne Aussie Italian bloke has the Spano effect amongst his fans. This at least is my analysis. He comes to me as a masculine sensual bad boy but good mannered bloke. His scars in his head did not stop him from being liked by women and myself as well. He had ups and downs in his performances, but I believe he has a promising future. His story about his two year absence in singing is inspiring. It shows that God has a real purpose for us to understand that our downs teaches us to move up to higher planes in our life's journey. And oh! Mark's eyes are not empty at all!
The motown episode was my favorite ones, where Mark rendered "You keep me hanging" was his triumphant moment in my honest opinion. He looked cute, not too bady boy looking and he showed pleasant energy in his performance.
I would have to exclude Wes, the favorite contestant in this season of Australian Idol. I don't have the thing for long hair. Besides, my review was more of the Masculinity factor. Wes wasn't booted off but he was in the bottom two for the first time last Monday night. I think his over confidence resulted into this. I reckon his last performance wasn't that really appealing.
You noticed that I not only evaluated these guys based on masculinity and looks but also if their eyes are empty or not. This is important for me in a guy because behind the good looks what is far more important is the soul behind those eyes.
I am not wishing to date these straight guys. I am praying I would be meeting the likes of them.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
I do not hide the fact that I watch homosexual pornographic movies. Call me odd but most pornographic movies are boring and at one occassion in Sydney, I asked for a porn like movie with a story line. Believe me, I had the weirdest look when I asked the store person about what I am looking for.
I honestly get bored easily with kinky and dirty pornography and I would rather choose a sexual scene with a lot of kissing, touching or sensual play. I guess this is my inate nature seeking passionate and sensual making love with someone.
I give kudos to Corbin Fisher's Amatuer College Men for coming up with a site of men having sex with men but with a twist. What is the twist then? It is the sensuality of the scenes that I appreciate very much like with this site. The kissing and touching are very sensual and 99% near real. The foreplays are great and the fact that most of the actors are (were) straight men is intruiging.
Most of the men are very straight acting so it is believable that they are really straight men. In a news article in Time Magazine tells the readers that there is a new label are now being identified to men who have sex men but who are not gays or bisexual and that is MSM. That new abbrev means Men having Sex with Men. Some gay quarters, with their snooty attitude, would just say "whateeever!" but I won't pass on any judgement because I have never been in their shoes. Anyways...the actors in Corbin Fisher's site have been recruited as mostly straight boys. Some usually start with a solo shot and later on learns the ropes of kissing, touching and having sex with the same sex.
The site has an counter part sub-site which features the same men having sex with the female gender. The Bi-Tag team has increasingly been marked as favourites. I like this idea in the sense that it wards off any doubts about this men. It is okay to say they needed money in order to do the MSM thing. But over the years, I would say these regular men who are featured in the site were nervous at the start but have enjoyed doing MSM stuff as they do more scenes with a guy.
I don't know these guys personally but I would say I have very good impressions about them. Derek is one of my favourites. A guy with a girlfriend who did heaps of MSM scenes. The girlfriend know what he does and is probably cool with it. I think he did a scene already with his girlfriend. Notably I find him a kind natured masculine guy. In every scene, he is always in the moment especially during foreplay. Sensuality Score: 100.
Another one is Dawson. This Mr. Smiley face is a kind hearted soul, I reckon. His smile is a bit cheeky but I sense he is really a nice bloke. Now, now, these are just impressions that I am telling ya. In several occassions, he always asks his bed scene partner what their straight/homosexual scale is. I am not clear what his is but regardless, I don't sense any gayness at all. Sensuality score is also 100.
Brent (left in the picture) for me will receive a sensuality of 150 out of 100. I like the way he holds on to his bed scene lover during foreplay, during copulation, and after the sex. Often I see him place his head on top of the chest or back of his guy partner and hold them firmly. For a very blokey guy, he is cool and looks like he does not have any attitude at all. You will see what I mean when you see him do an MSM with Cody.
Cody (right one in the picture) is another bloke I like. I would rather give him the Cudly score of 100 rather than a sensuality score. His masculinity is tops but you see the kind softness in his eyes. Definitely no straight guy attitude. He is a bit stiff for sensuality but cuddly enough. Maybe that is why Cody held him tightly at one stage. Hehe.
I have this thing for American guys. Their eyes tell you more when you look at them. It is a difference which I noticed in comparison to Australian guys. American guy's eyes are more open and twinkly than Aussies.
I could only dream to date one of them. Oh well.
Anyway...try their site now and see for yourself what I am talking about. It is a good site for those who do not want to be totally dirty. It is for those who just want to imagine that they are being touched with passion, compassion and sensuality even if it was just imagination.
Friday, November 14, 2008
Thursday, November 13, 2008
I met several men from old gay men to effeminate men and not so effeminate men. The experiences were not at all pleasant in the sense that I am trying to force myself into it. I thought at first I was judging these people. I guess it is just that within my heart I was not comfortable.
The flamboyant nature of effeminate gays is fun to watch. But my experience meeting and making friends wasn't that really good. More than 6 months ago, I met someone who is 60% effeminate. He was a gay white man who loves to chat to South East Asian. While I thought that this was cool, we had conversations with him trying to find out evidences that I earn a lot of money. He knew that South East Asian countries are poor countries and trying to find out if I belong to the lower class. I mentioned that I come from a well-to-do family but I felt he wanted to dig more. Material wealth was always inserted in every conversation and at one stage I decided not to be friendly by just avoiding him.
My recent trip to North America was enough evidence that I am not the person whom he think I was, i.e. a poor Asian man who migrated to Australia. hough I am not into this ego-typical thoughts and conversations, I was asked why I can still sit in business lounge despite of having an economy class ticket. I told him that I have Qantas Club privileges of which I got from paying membership fees for two years. His ignorance of the Qantas Club prompted him ask him to show my card. His was just a Qantas Frequent Flyer Club card whilst mine was a Qantas Club one. I was polite and silent but did not like how the conversation went.
It was either he is trying to avoid South East Asian men who takes advantage of caucasians or he is looking down at Asians as not too good for them. Whatever it is, I don't like the way he made friends with me. What bothered me the most is the snooty and effeminate gay ways of asking those questions. It really turned me off.
Material wealth is good but friendship is gold. Judgements to make choices and not to say it out loud is good but Judgements that will hurt other people is not so good.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Dr. ADND is well presented and clean looking. Not handsome but cute (but not overly). Best of all he is masculine. He wore a transparent mask this morning and had really the chance to see his face and neck.
I guess I really miss the intimate and fuzzy feeling of being touched. So every time part of his hand/shoulders touches me, I really felt that tingling sensation. (Lusting you might say.) He had one time have to peek trhough my upper tooth and he had to lay his head over my chest. Wow! The uncomfy feeling sitting in a dentist chair wasn't umcomfy after all!
My taste for men are very interesting. Masculinity is tops for me. Standards of most gays don't apply to me really. What attracts me the most is the invisible and possible chemsitry between me and man infront of me.
But is it lusting that I was feeling? Partly yes and Partly no. One thing is for sure, I miss intimacy.
It will be six months till I meet Dr. ADND. Sigh.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
The change in temperature meant also there is this breeze of change going on. I received a text message mid day from a friend telling me that Obama was winning. At 4:00 in the afternoon, another message, my friend telling me that he is very teary watching Obama giving his acceptance speech. Change has come to America and change will likely to happen the rest of the world.
He highlighted gays and asians in speech saying that him being elected is:
"... the answer spoken by young and old, rich and poor, Democrat and Republican,
black, white, Hispanic, Asian, Native American, gay, straight, disabled and not
disabled. Americans who sent a message to the world that we have never been just
a collection of individuals or a collection of red states and blue states."
I reckon Obama will be a symbol that telling everybody that being different in colour, race or creed does not matter. Whilst it has mentioned several times by many that USA has still racial divisions and scars of the past especially amongst African Americans needs to be healed, I don't see that much when I am in the United States because it seemed to me, everyone is relaxed there about different colours and race.
A number of Australians pride themselves of cultural diversity but I reckon the country is still a young country to be like USA where black or white is not really a big problem. (This is still subject to debate of course). I could give Australia a go, in fairness. But there are still some quarters in society within Australia of racial friction. I hope this will change and I hope Obama's win is a welcome wave.
Now, the word gay was mentioned in Obama's speech. I heard that the Democrats will introduce equal rights to gays and lesbians. I don't know how acurate but it feels like it. What worries me really is within the gay and lesbain community, there is also discrimination amongst themselves. Another change to tackle? I guess, I won't make this too significant for me. No President or Pope can change the whole world perfectly. Life is about contrasting colours, ideas, thoughts. It is like the weather, the contrasting temperatures and characteristics in each season(i.e. Winter, Spring, Summer & Fall) tells us a hidden truth (rather than a mystery). There is a reason for all these to exist.
The reasons are showing up now. Change.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Going to gay bars and night clubs is not a usual weekend routine for me. I learned to go to these places only here in Australia. This is when I decided to slowly come out in the open and expose myself "what is out there". Well last night I decided to go to Melbourne's gay spots.
I went first to the Opium Den, where it is known for Asian gays hanging out. I did not stay more than 5 minutes. Oddly enough, there weren't that much people inside and most of the people there were Lesbians. I would have thought that it will be busy because it is the Melbourne Cup long weekend. I decided to go The Peel Hotel. (No, it is not the hotel that you are thinking. These common in Australia where old hotels are turned into pubs or night clubs. The owners retain the name of the the hotel.).
When I got in, I have seen the usual Australian gay pub/bar scene - very loud music, gay bar tenders who never seem to cut the habit of raising their eyebrows, & of course the gay men and lesbians. There is not much of an eye candy last night and saw only a few guys that I really like looking at (masculine caucasian men). The night is not complete without an mature gay man approaching me and sure enough someone did. LOL! (I may have to write about them in my next blog. I have nothing against them honestly but lately I made a conscious choice to look for men around my age.). It seems like I am not invisible to these mature men. .
The asian gay men mostly flock together and seldom see Gay White Men hanging out with them except only when I see a silver haired man tailing them. I just smiled. My purpose in going there was not to get laid; but I was hoping I would be able to meet someone special there to talk or ask later for a date (wishful thinking). Unfortunately I did not meet anyone. I guess I am too shy to approach someone or it is really hard going alone to a gay pub. My experience in New Zealand is pretty much the same.
It is not really fun going to a pub regardless whether I am alone or be with a friend. It is loud & noisy and probably the only only thing that gay men would like to do in a pub second to dancing is to get laid.
My United States gay bar experiences were uniquely different and I could not emphasize it more - pleasant. I always see bars with African Americans, Latinos, Asians and Caucasian Americans all interacting with each other.
The GYM Sports Bar in Manhattan is so far the nicest one that I went to in the United States. The concept of the bar being sports bar is very cool. There are different sorts of gay men who go there but mostly are masculine types. I have seen 1 or 2 women who probably be the partners of the straight bar tenders there. Yes, that is right. The owners hire straight bar tenders. So you dont get to see eyebrow raising and you would be motivated to tip. Did I mention they serve customers without their shirts on?
I was just in Manhattan last month! I hanged around the Locker Room Bar downstairs and sat at the bar looking at the cute bar tender. Also, a friendly looking guy who looks like Hugh Grant intiated a conversation with me and it was great. He was acting like the funny Hugh Grant though. LOL! Another bloke from Maine approached me and tried to convince me to take him to my hotel room. LOL. I declined. (He was on a rebound having recently breaking up with his now ex-partner. ) It did not matter to me whether I brought someone back to my hotel or not. Overall, I enjoyed my time.
It is a bit ironic that I chose Australia because it is a nice place to live in compared to the United States. It is that gay thing bit that I am having trouble making it work. I don't totally blame the gay men here or the Aussies in generally. Come to think of it - there is something in me that needs changing. I'll figure it out - I know I will.
Saturday, November 1, 2008
I have always spoken to people about life being a joke. And cruising along the duality of life, i.e. the positive and negative that exists should not be taken seriously. But until now, though a lot of gay men would just laugh, I still could not comprehend why gay and lesbians exists and the fact that I am one of them, should I take this seriously.
I have always found gay life as the most difficult thing that ever existed in me since I was born. To make matters worse I come from a hard line patriarchal asian society, where sons are expected to become a husbands and fathers. Added to this, a christian upbringing where everyone is told that it is alright to be gay but gay sex is not allowed.
At a very early stage, I knew I am a homosexual. I felt I am different from all the boy kids. How did I know? I wish I have the answers but I just know. I am happy that I am not one of those sterotype gay men and have been discreet in how I conduct myself. But as any discreet gay would say, the downside of this is - the difficulty of hiding.
I am no angel. I am no gay saint, if this really exists. I am a good person and at the same time could be naughty too. But one thing is for sure, in my journey in this life, I still feel I am trying to fit in.
Where is my path now? I am already 40 and I have questions running in my head? Where is this homosexuality going? Should I stay discreet? And the most important question of all is where do I find true and honest love. Thus, here I am writing the Lost Blog of a Discreet Gay in the hopes that these questions be answered.
The internet is like an ocean and I consider this blog as a message in a bottle. Here is hoping that someone finds this blog and understand really where I am coming from.
So wish me luck.